I'm sure I'm not the only one who is growing increasingly tired of the ever-expanding metalcore scene. Granted, some are very good and are some of my favorite bands but there gets to be a point when enough is enough. I've seen other humorous lists about metal subgenres such as black metal, power metal, etc so I thought it might be fun to create one for metalcore. I freely admit I can't touch Blasphemer in regards to sly usage of wittiness (if that's actually a word) and sarcasm but take a deep breath and remember it's all in good fun.
1. Pack each song full of breakdowns. More breakdowns = sicker pits and cover up your lackluster songwriting abilities!
2. Make sure your singer announces each breakdown as such. Those karate kids in the pit are too busy flailing around to realize it otherwise.
3. Look as "unmetal" as possible, long hair and metal shirts are so cliché.
4. Remember that tight girl pants perfectly accentuate any outfit.
5. If that's not enough, throw on some mascara and eyeliner to soften your tough-guy image.
6. Don't forget to dedicate at least one song "to the ladies".
7. Have at least 1-2 solos, even if they're mediocre, to "prove youre metal".
8. Create song titles that are so long it takes two lines to print them on your cd.
9. Make sure these song titles are completely abstract and have nothing to do with the lyrics (for example, "Mr. Maker's Wrong Turn Puts Him at a Gas Station in Kansas").
10. Have a singer that can scream and sing. All your songs must have shouted verses and soaring clean vocal choruses. No singing means no chicks!
11. If the singer cant sing well, it doesn't matter; that's what studio magic is for. Cover yourself live by having the crowd sing it for you!
12. Mention how the lyrics are deeply emotional and dedicate one song to a deceased loved one to appear more genuine.
13. Avoid metal clichés like songs about death/destruction and instead sing about how hard it was to move on from your last girlfriend and how life sucks without her.
14. While you're at it, make sure you avoid satanic themes too. Christian metal is in!!
15. Make sure you live in New England. If not, move to Massachusetts immediately.
16. Ensure that your record label places a sticker on your disc comparing you to Killswitch Engage, Shadows Fall, and Unearth in order to get some strong sales.
17. Create a new subgenre of music instead of actually admitting you're metalcore (i.e.: fashion core, death core, thrash core, etc etc etc).
18. In interviews, never NEVER admit you are metalcore. Use phrases that ultimately mean the same thing, such as "we take the best elements of metal and hardcore in ways youve never heard before".
19. At shows, always mention "how cool it is to see metal and hardcore fans united for such an amazing show".
20. Acknowledge Scandinavian bands (At the Gates, In Flames) as influences, but make sure you mention you have a "completely original sound".
21. Get Ken Susi or Adam D. to record your cd. You will be guaranteed a unique and original sound.
22. Put out a live DVD as soon as possible; preferably after your first EP. Then you can release another one after your debut LP.
23. Record an extra song for the inevitable reissue 6 months later once you get on Ozzfest. Or don't...fans will probably buy it again anyways.
24. Sign with one of the "Big 4" (Metal Blade, Roadrunner, Century Media, Victory) after only one independently released EP. Accept no substitutes!
25. Tout yourselves as the next big thing in metal, even if you sound like everyone else.
26. Never, ever stop touring between albums. In fact, get onto every tour that goes across the US...people never tire of hearing such an amazing band as you.
27. After a few albums, get a big name "metal producer" (Devin, Andy Sneap) to produce your disc to increase your metal credibility.
28. There's no such thing as "overproduced".
29. Go on political rants onstage about how much you hate Bush.
30. Publicly state how the "metalcore fad" is dying. Don't worry; you're a REAL metal band anyways.
Feel free to drop some more rules in the forum if you so wish. I may add them to this list (giving you full credit of course).