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Captain Obvious On Metal

“"We have now sunk to a depth at which restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men."”
-George Orwell


The Legend Of Captain Obvious:

Known by many names in many different cultures, Captain Obvious is a mythical superhero that has existed since the dawn of time. In the beginning, there was only Captain Obvious. When he uttered the profound statement “"Life is more interesting than nothingness"”, life exploded into being, and the universe thus originated. Not to be confused with Captain Oblivious, whose superpower is, strangely enough, a total lack of understanding of the world around him, Captain Obvious has the power to describe reality with a grandiose simplicity. As part of his never-ending struggle to enlighten mankind, he periodically visits metal messageboards to make comments such as these:

“Don’'t expect a band to keep making the same album over and over.”

I cannot stress this enough, people. Bands simply cannot be expected to keep releasing the same album under different titles, not only for artistic reasons, but for legal ones. By doing this, they would run the risk of being sued for ripping themselves off, since their previous copyrighted material is owned by the record company. Hey, it happened to Bob Dylan!

“If it'’s good, listen to it.”

Here we see that Captain Obvious has taken that familiar hedonistic neo-satanic hippie philosophy of “"If it feels good, do it"” and modified it specifically for the tough question of music-listening. Captain Obvious, being a shrewd individual, realizes that music is generally listened to for pleasure rather than pain, and therefore rightfully deduces that music which sounds good is more likely to produce good feelings of goodness in the listener. And as we all know, feeling good is good. Conversely, stuff that sucks is stupid.

“Just listen to what you like.”

Once you'’ve incorporated the wisdom of "“If it’'s good, listen to it”" into your musical philosophy, this will leave you free to “"Just listen to what you like".” You'’ll find that listening to what you like is more rewarding than listening to that which you cannot stand and utterly despise.

“Everyone has different musical tastes.”

It’'s true! Not everyone has the same favorite bands! If you’'ve ever watched any sort of children’'s programming on public television, then you’'re already aware that everybody is different, but that these differences, in fact, make life more interesting. This noble truth is often illustrated as a poorly drawn planet earth with stick people of various colors holding hands along an imaginary line of longitude. A heart or a rainbow may or may not be included for dramatic effect. Once this concept of diversity is understood, it will come as less of a shock that different people have different tastes in music. One man'’s trash is another man’'s treasure. What is perceived as "“complete garbage”" by one man may be perceived as “"a Pantera song"” by another man.

“Metallica sold out. Furthermore, they suck now.”

This is not entirely true, because Metallica has always sucked.

“Hey, Metallica didn’'t always suck. Their early albums were a lot better.”

OK GREAT!!! NOW LET'’S NEVER SPEAK OF THEM AGAIN, LOL!!!

“Metal is not for everyone.”

Kids: If your grandparents just can'’t get into Emperor because of the “"weird voice"”, don'’t feel bad. Their taste in music may have been tampered with by the government during a wartime nuclear experiment back in the 40'’s. Grandparents: If your grandkids just can’'t get into Iron Maiden because of the “"weird voice”", don'’t feel bad. Their taste in music may have been tampered with by the media during a routine television commercial. Of course, a much simpler explanation is that metal is not for everyone. Everyone has different musical tastes, so just listen to what you like. If you like metal, then listen to it, because metal is for people who like it. Many bands play metal, so if you like a band, and they play metal, then you like a metal band. But don’'t expect that band to keep making the same album over and over, because everyone has different tastes in music, and metal is not for everyone. Isn'’t it obvious?

March 12, 2004
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